little thoughts...

Fear

Why do we care so much about what people think of us? 

Look around you, everywhere in in culture, and at yourself. Most of what we wear, do, and say is to put off some kind of image wether you want to admit it or not. 

As a christian, who desires to shine brightly for God, this is an even bigger question. Studying Chapter 6 of Acts in the bible, blew my mind today. Pastor Richard spoke about the martyr stephen .I have heard this story many times before, but Jesus just opened my eyes to something new and huge. 

 ”Now Stephen, a man full of God’s grace and power, performed great wonders and signs among the people. ⁹Opposition arose, however, from members of the Synagogue of the Freedmen (as it was called)—Jews of Cyrene and Alexandria as well as the provinces of Cilicia and Asia—who began to argue with Stephen. ¹⁰ But they could not stand up against the wisdom the Spirit gave him as he spoke.”- Acts 6

Stephen is a prime example of an authentic christian. A true worshiper of Christ.  He was doing what God called Him to do and yet was fully present in the culture, yet living on mission- worshiping Jesus with everything he did. Isn’t that what us christians always strive for but never seem to reach? Well at least for me. 

“Stephen wasnt just present in the fallen world, he was worshiping Jesus in it”Richard Cimino 

 We were created for that very purpose, to worship the True and Living God with our lives.  Stephen worshiped in how he served the widows the of the church.  He was worshiping Jesus in every aspect of  life.  Being an authentic christian means we are on mission , worshiping Jesus, and living a gospel centered. ( I dont know about you but when I read that in the sermon notes- I knew I fell short of all three.) We as christians should be focused SOLEY on JESUS- who he is and what he has done for us.  and we are called to share that message.  BUt why dont we? Why do we seem to hold back? Why do we ( me included) fall short of this consistently?  This struggle is rooted in one basic thing- FEAR. Fear of man 

” If we are afraid of what man or woman might think about us because of what we have to say about Jesus- we have exalted them above Jesus. When we desire to please or appease- we have made that person the object of our worship instead of Jesus. THAT is idolatry…

The fear of man is one of the greatest weapons Satan( the God of this world) has  to keep us from living a true gospel life. “ 

I dont know about you, but when I heard this, God hit my heart. Wow.

” God has remedy for our fear and for that idolatry. Its not a methodology, or a program. THe gospel promises to transform us from the inside out. The transformation begins with who he is.”- Richard Cimino

“Jesus must become more beaitful than our idols”- Tim Kellar 

WE need more radicial christians in this dark and fading world. We need to stop this idoalrty, drop this fear, and shine brighter than ever before. Get into the word, thirst and hunger for it. Most importantly, get to know our Great wonderful God better, deeper. I think we have lost this- God is awakening us! Wake up sleeper. 

“The Word witness is translated from the Greek word martus. It is the word we get martyr from.  Before stephen was a martyr he was a martus ( a witness). Before he died for Jesus, He lived for Jesus. Persecution doesn’t make one a martyr, it only prove who already is martus.  ”

AMEN 

waiting patiently…

—“I WAITED patiently  for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry.²He drew me up out of a horrible pit [a pit of tumult and of destruction], out of the miry clay (froth and slime), and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings.”—

—-I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened.

 He lifted me out of the ditch,  pulled me from deep mud.  He stood me up on a solid rock  to make sure I wouldn’t slip.—-

- Psalm 40:1-2

David writes about this horrible, slimy, pit of destruction,despair, turmoil, confusion or disorder( tumult). I don’t know about you, but i know pits, I know clearly the feelings that come and the hopeless heartache attached to them. And I can feel the that feeling now. And for me, I used to think that when you were doing your best to follow God, and grow closer to Him, it would be only a time of bliss and joy, and easy riding, but the Lord is showing me that that is far from the truth. Even the strongest followers of the Lord experience this ” Pit” season:

“With heights of joy in serving my Master, I am happily familiar, but into very depths of despair-such an inward sinking as I cannot describe-I have likewise sunk. A more frequent, or a more fearful wretchedness of heart than I have suffered it is not likely any of you ever felt”.- Charles Spurgeon

“My heart is empty. All the fountains that should run  With longing, are in me Dried up. In all my countryside there is not one that drips to find the sea (Poems 117).”- C.S. Lewis

” I am now a man of despair, shut up in it as an iron cage. I cannot get out” -John Bunyan

Doesn’t the sting of hopelessness and despair jump off those words?  Pastor Tim From Crossroads preached on this today and here are my conclusions. Reading over these quotes makes me realize two things:  Even those men who I would say are earthly heros to me,they have reached a season of ” the pit” , and they are people who seem to be so faithful. then I realized, faithfulness does not exempt me from being tested, grown, and trimmed. As painful as it is, we faithful followers will have MANY “pits.”  Even David is writing with just a pain stricken heart about this depressing, hard, emotional, hopeless time in His life and walk in the Lord.

Feeling encouraged yet? I wasn’t until Pastor Tim pointed out that we forget and skip over the huge part of this verse… ” I waited patiently for the Lord” We tend to just want instant deliverance from this time of pain, and forget that God has a plan. We want deliverance over Gods plan. When that was preached, it hit me like bricks. I have been begging the Lord to get me out of this dry difficult time, but have such a hard time sitting back and resting knowing this is part of Gods plan for me. I am waiting for God to give me what I want(deliverance) , not what He wants for me( growth). Its difficult and emotional but I have to remember Jesus is faithful, and will always be faithful.

If you are in that dry, painful, confusing “pit” season with me, let me pass on some encouragement by ending with this:

—-And I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them.— Isaiah 42:16

—-Who among you fears the LORD  and obeys the word of his servant?
Let the one who walks in the dark,  who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on their God.  But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze. —-Isaiah 50:10

We have to face that fact that many “pit” seasons will come, no matter where you are in your faithfulness to the Lord. But the joy and hope is that when they do come, we can do our best to trust in the Lord. For he is leading the blind and the weak, and the frail. It does not mean your failing, it means your human…and that’s when He gets to shine brightest as OUR GOD. So, wait, and wait patiently.

Grace filled Gift

  Most of you know I went to Kona Hawaii for three months in September.  God brought me there to change my life, completely. The Lord really worked to strip me of all my own planning and desires, and to just lay them at His feet completely. I realized there were many things I was holding onto, and not releasing to the Lord, and how in denial I was to that.  One of those being, a relationship, and marriage.  I think every girl strongly desires that, in fact every human longs for that.  I had been searching so hard, and in all the wrong places, and forcing it, and watching it crash and crumble before me.  I finally layed it at the cross, and asked the Lord to be the center of my life and desires, nothing and no one but Him.  The Lord continued to grow my love and passion for Him, and the Lord lit my heart with a flame burning only for Him and his plan. 

     The day approached that I had to leave Kona, and my friends, and a sweet lady named Susan, asked all the girls the lay hands on me, and pray over me while we were driven to the airport.  As I sat there and sobbed listening to the beautiful prayers, I knew God had something in store for me at home.  Susan pulled me aside and told me that when she was praying she had a vision for me, that the Lord wanted to bless me with a gift this Christmas, a big one. I smiled and thanked her for sharing, but had no idea if that was truth or just a nice thought.

    I had been going to Metro monday night for awhile, and been so blessed through it each time, so I figured December 20th would be just a grand, but I had no idea what God had in store.  After a compelling sermon, and amazing worship my soul longed to worship God further so  I went the side of the sanctuary and got on my knees to worship and pray.  So lost in connecting with God, but for a split second I opened my eyes and looked to my right, I saw one other person, a guy on his knees fully praising and worshiping God full heartedly.  ” Wow thats awesome, I thought, now back to you Jesus”  I tried to focus solely on the Lord but my something in me was stirring, and suddenly I heard the Lord say, ” Meet him” … WHAT lord? NO. I  want you and only you, plus that would be insanely awkward.”.. Meet him, he said again, “Ok  Lord if this is gunna go down, then convict his heart towards meeting me, I need Him to feel this from you too. ” SO the service ended and my heart became exstrmelely anxious, ” I dont think I can do this Lord..”

I look over to me right, nervously, but I instantly make eye contact with this amazing man, and I see him take a reluctant step forward and so i take one too,  ” Hi, my name is Franklin.”  we met, and as soon as i shook his hand, I realized we were for sure meant to meet, and he knew the same thing. He asked me if I needed prayer for anything, and  I explained how  i had just been in Kona, wanted to be a missionary, not sure of what God had planned for me.” He laughed and as we talked we realized we had the same hearts. Instant extreme connection I had never felt with any other person on earth.  and that night I realized I had met my new best friend and the second love of my life, besides Jesus.

Over three months later, looking back on that time, I am blown away at what God did, and is doing. Franklin Anthony Carvajal was my amazing christmas gift that would change my life forever.  I am this  undeserving girl, and God has given me this handsome creature to help encourage me, and bless me beyond words. I had to give everything up to, to gain grace love and mercy. I am in awe of Our Lord and how He loves us so much and would give me this amazing man of God.  And how he is working through this man, to show me His love.  

 These last three months have been some of the greatest of my life.  Falling madly in love with this man, and even more in love with our Father God, and him showing both franklin and I that He has plans, plans he wanted to bring us together for. Honestly, even though its hard at times, im am so pumped for where the Lord is preparing us to go. 

 I wanted to share this, because I know how hard it is to let the plans you have for yourself go, and worry, and wonder, and stress over accomplishing things, and meeting ” the one”, but honestly, give it ALL to Jesus, that will be the BEST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN TO YOU. dont do it just to receive the blessings, do it in honor and worship of God and wanting to do his will above all else. Lay it all down at the feet of blessed loving Jesus and watch your life slowly but surely begin to transform.   

A sigh from a broken heart…

“The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. ⁶ The LORD repented that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled.”

- Genesis 6: 5-6 

     We all know the story of Noah and the ark, and how the human race become wicked so the Lord chose to wipe them all out except for a few.  I have always had this mental picture of God being so angry and ticked off, and so frustrated he was so ready to send the flood, and regretting even making mankind. But it wasn’t until today, after listening to a podcast of Richard Camino preaching on this chapter of Genesis, that I realized how I have so misunderstood the beauty of Gods heart, and the real feelings of God that were happening during this time.  

     The word “repent” in original Hebrew  means to sigh or breath heavily.  So… The LORD sighed heavily  that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was DEEPLY TROUBLED…  God was sighing from a broken heart. 

 He was so sad his creation was making the choices they were, and his heart broke and he was deeply troubled. Wow, he wasn’t angry at all. I cant imagine that kind of pain. Everyone has had a broken heart from one person or another, but imagine being in Gods shoes, and all the people that are breaking his heart at once.  what beautiful thing…God is vulnerable to His creation! He is not some emotionless robot, He can hurt. 

 As I took on that new perspective of that chapter, I couldn’t help but think about this generation, and how im sure that God is looking down now, and breathing a heavy sigh from a broken heart for his people turning from him, and soaking in and choosing evil once again.  As I thought about this, i was overwhelmed and sad for God.  That led me to another revelation…

God loves us SO much! when you love someone, you are willing to put your feelings out there with the possibility of rejection, and being betrayed, you have to take that chance if you really want to love someone.  God does that with us, everyday. He is willing to watch us reject Him, betray Him, sin against Him, just so He can love us. 

Thinking about our generation, and how were breaking Gods heart frustrates me.  So I began asking Him, Lord what can I do to help heal your broken heart for this generation? His response: LOVE.  Love? How Lord?  First: Love me. Second: Love everyone else… Then I began reading in my book ” Compelled by love” by Heidi baker, and this was the first thing I read… 

” A ministers job is not simply to preach on a platform, standing up in front of a crowd of people while a big film crew records it and millions listen, that is not our primary purpose. Our job is to love each person, one at a time, to stop and lend help everyday for each of the suffering, lost and sick… How do you become love manifested in the physical and then see the gospel fulfilled through that? If you are called to be a missionary- a ” sent out” one then you are called to comfort those who are mourning, you are called to love and hold the broken until they feel and understand Gods love- a love that never dies- through you. Yes God wants you to do signs and wonders,but the love of God manifested through you is what people really need.” - Heidi Baker 

I realized right then, its not always about what we say, or making sure we preach the bible to every single person throwing verses at them, sometimes its just simply loving on them by not saying anything, but smiling, sitting there and holding someone who is upset…little things that can manifest the love us God for us. The rest will proceed from that in time. 

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal, if I have all faith, so as to move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.-
1 Corinthians 13:1-13

All that wont make a difference if you are not living a life of love. Love for everyone, then the rest will proceed and begin to change lives.

Selah. 

- Kristen 

Radical Revolution…

Radical: thoroughgoing or extreme, esp. as regards change from accepted or traditional forms: a radical change in the policy of a company.

2. favoring drastic political, economic, or social reforms: radical ideas; radical and anarchistic ideologues

3. forming a basis or foundation.

Revolution: a radical and pervasive change in society and the social structure

“Revolution can begin small, with a single group or an act of defiance. During the ’60s, many individual Americans rose to prominence as activist leaders-figureheads for the rising tide of thousands upon thousands of voices calling for peace, justice, freedom and equality”- PBS.com

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

     As soon as these words are thrown out there we instantly think of the crazy 60’s hippie movement, where young people went all out the protest and fight against the “man” and the “system” and all they wanted was “love, peace and drugs.”  They went mad. Tied themselves to trees, formed human chains,  fought until police beat them off and forced them into police cars.  This was truly a time in history where this “radicalism” is cleary evident. People look back and look down at the this time. To be honest, I don’t think it was such a bad thing.

The fact that a generation was so willing to fight for something, so passionate and hardcore, even to the point of death…how sick. Problem is, they were fighting for the wrong reasons. 

   God has given me a heart for my generation. I have this overwhelming picture of our generation being like that of the 60’s radicals, but in the name of Jesus and fighting with love. A generation where we are radically loving on EVERYONE we come across,abolishing judgement, and not afraid to go all out for Jesus. God doesnt call us to be lukewarm, to be comfortable, and keep to ourselves. He calls us to go out, spread His name and be freaks for Him! Its so easy to be lukewarm,but its time to end that. Something big is coming in our generation, I have no idea what is, but even as I type this out I am shaking thinking about it, its BIG. 

   When I was in Kona Hawaii working with YWAM, i was in my room praying before I slept, as I prayed I felt it pressing in my heart to lift up this generation. I prayed ” Lord, I don’t know why, but i lift up our generation, i stand in the gap for all of us and say use us. Rise up young people to fight in your name, to shine a light in this world..” as I prayed that I got the same shaky feeling I have now.  I went to bed that night, and I had this dream where I was reading my bible, while being surrounded by young people,  and I can clearly remember the verse I was reading to be :  “Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded.For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe even if  you were told.”- Habakkuk 1:5…I woke up, and could not remember much except for that little bit of my dream. I quickly jumped out of bed grabbed my Bible and opened to that passage. I began to shake again, and I fell on my knees and just prayed this out to Jesus.

   Thing is I don’t know what exactly all this means, or what is to come, but I have a feeling its some sort of radical revolution in the name of Jesus and His love.I step back and look at the life of people my age, and I can see how there is  a great divide.. there is no more middle ground, they are either completely turning away from God, or wanting more and choosing to go all in for Jesus. The lukewarm people are starting to choose one drastic side.  That’s what Jesus wants, all or nothing. 

   What side are you going to choose? I want to see our generation walking around the streets, healing, loving, ministering to everyone,  and truly worshiping without holding back all in the name of the Holy Spirit and Gods love and power, and not caring who mocks. Its time to take back the meaning of ”Jesus Freak.” Walking the streets of Auburn( or wherever you live) stopping to pray for people, sitting in starbucks reading the bible and praying for each person around you, talking and praying with homeless, asking God to use you to heal people, and choosing to believe He can do anything and will do it. Just shining your light bright even to those who think your insane.

    God and His love is crazy. Being all in for Jesus means being crazy. Im not trying to say tie yourself to a tree screaming out “ Jesus died for you!”, im talking about seeking God above all else, giving everything over to Him, be uninhibited in your worship and speech about God and choosing to believe in supernatural healing and miracles, even those most are skeptical.  Its time to stop putting Gods power in box, and not settling for the ways and patterns of this lost world.  Ask God to use you in supernatural ways. Its time to get ready to be crazy for God, He is calling our generation out…He is going to use us in ways we wouldn’t believe even if we were told…choose to be radical for Him. Go all out for Jesus. Its time for a radical revolution in the name of our God. 

Im going all in. Join me!

“What ever YOU want, I want”…

    Many of you know that I was planning on going to South Africa, January 16th, and  you blessed me with amazing prayers, financial support, and just lovely encouraging words and I am so thankful . I thought I was going, but to my surprise God has shut the door.

   I expected myself to be really upset that day I realized I wasn’t going, ( the application wasn’t being processed, I had no time to get a visa, I didn’t have enough money, and the people doing my reference letters couldn’t get them sent), but honestly I had an overwhelming sense of peace.I had my moment where I was confused and saying , ” Ok God, what was the point of you getting me all excited for going to South Africa, and then quickly slamming the door shut!” But that’s when He showed me that I was wanting to go to South Africa for all the wrong reasons.  I was so anxious to just GO, and to go NOW  and get out of California and travel again. My heart was deciding for itself, without waiting for the Lord to lead.

   After this whole realization, I became worried about  being ” stuck” in auburn  the rest of my life, and I was watching all my dear friends run off to YWAM and foreign countries, and wondering when it would be my time. I became consumed with searching on the internet the different YWAM opportunities and just frustrating myself.  I decided that I need to spend time with Jesus before any of this.

   I grabbed my ” 90 Days With Jesus” devotional by Beth Moore. And it was going over the story of Mary, at the point when she was finding out she was to give birth to Jesus. I had heard the story many many many times, but when I read the verse ” you have found favor with God“  after Beth Moore pointing out that Mary was a simple Gaelan girl and to the world seemed like nothing spectacular, yet her heart was humble, the Lord found favor with her. A simple girl, was used to help God change the world.

I continued to read, ” After all was said and done, her solitary reply was : ‘I am the Lords servant…May it be to me as you have said.’ In essence Mary was saying ‘ Lord I am Your handmaid. Whatever you want, I want. Total submission and no other questions of doubt. ”

 ”Uh, wow Ok Jesus, I get it”  - my response after reading that.  That line hit me like a ton of bricks, ” Whatever YOU want, I want!” Do i really believe that? Do I trust God enough to say that? Me trying to decide for myself that I want to go to Africa is far from being ok with whatever God wants.  Im done with that. God is showing me that I need to be content with being HERE, who I am to waist this time. Just because im not in a foreign country with  malnourished snotty adorable orphan children surrounding me doesn’t mean  I cant serve Him. 

     With all this to say, no im not going to South Africa like I had planned. I am staying in Lil ol Auburn CA, serving Christ full-heartedly, working and saving money, so that I am ready if He does call to go, which I know He will, its just a matter of HIS timing, and HIS place, and HIS plan. But I will be ready.  I hope to be like Marry, a simple girl, in a simple town, that God chooses to use in big ways. I know He will fufill that.

 I am finally content with being home, and staying home for awhile. The thought doesnt scare me anymore. God has give me some HUGE blessings while being here and  that is showing me that His plan is bigger and better, so I need to wait on Him. He will take me someday, but He has me here for a reason now. So as i wait, i will serve.

  Thank you for all your prayers and all your support. Keep praying that God will continue to put the puzzle peices together, and use me here, and when He is ready that He will make it clear where I am to go. Love you bunches,

 -Kristen